托福作文批改Learning by oneself or with a teacher?It goes with the

托福作文批改
Learning by oneself or with a teacher?
It goes with the saying that everyone is a piece of blank paper when born.We can not ignore the fact that we need teacher during our lifetime.For instance,as a infant,parents are our guide.However,when grown up,we began to learn by ourselves.The question is which one is proper?
Learning with a mentor,for the most part,is considered to be a universal way.One the one hand,we need a guide to help us approach something new.Following the teacher,we can take the first step easily.A teacher who has a multitude of experiences and patience,can lead us to the cover the introduction.Leaning by ourselves,we can not manage it easily.When we faced with barriers at the very beginning,we may hesitate,or even move back.On the other hand,a teacher can be a good company,providing more ideas and thoughts.We have no reason to abjure this.
Moreover,self-study brings the drawbacks,such as wasting of time and absent minded.Take my mates for example; accompanied with an iPod,seldom do they concentrate on the assignments.Further more,not only do some tough problems puzzle us,but also many interruptions made self-study not so effective.Meanwhile,we have thought limited in our study.
Obviously,we can draw the conclusion that,studying with a teacher has much more benefits than self-study.With more resources and information available,a good mentor is necessary while we learning.
这是我ibt的第一篇作文 .

1.第二句teacher要加s
2.parents are our guides
3.proper前加more,这里是两者的比较
4.began改为begin,因为这里说的只是一般情况
5.第二段第二句笔误吧,是on the one hand
6.experiences应去掉s,这里意为经验,不可数
7.When we faced ,faced前加are
8.第三段最后第二句made 改为make
9.第三段最后一句不需要用完成时吧,这里只是一般情况,可改为we have limited thoughts in our study.
10.With more resources and information available,a good mentor is necessary while we learning.后面应该是we are learning
至于评分我不敢乱评,但我感觉这篇文章写得不错,思路清晰,论证清楚,应该算是佳作吧
楼上的,你是中国人吗?哪有中国人写文章还要用外国思维的?