雅思作文评分并修改Some people think music is just a form of entertain

雅思作文评分并修改
Some people think music is just a form of entertainment ,while others think it plays more important roles.Discuss.
It is generally accepted that the technology is advancing at an amazing speed in prent - day society.Many people like to listen to the music to relieve their stress.Some people believe that music is merely a kind of entertainment way for fun.While others,however,assert that it has more meanings for individuals.From my own perspective,I am in favor of the latter view,but I would qualify it to some extent.
It is apparently that music can bring about many advantages for our life.To begin with,with the competition is increasingly stiff,people's work are always diminish their leisure times.To put it from another way,they need music to relax their bodies and ease their minds,so music is advantageous for them.Moreover,music can enhancing people's efficiency.Unlike some individuals who do not like to listen to the music,they can avoide many mistakes and can finish their tasks earlier.In addition,music is beneficial for our health.Even through listening the music may spend some time,it can eliminate some diseases in our lives.As a matter of fact,people can use music to curb the proliferation of these diseases.People will have a healthy body,provided that they often listen to the musics.
However,other people argue that the only function of music is just for entertainment.In my opinion,those who supprt this view should broaden their horizons to realise the music deeply.As the music plays a pivotal role in our lives,music can relieve our psychological burdens.
Overall,from what has been discussed above,we can easily draw a conclusion that music is very helpful to us.I am convinced that music will make more achievements in the future.

我不熟悉雅思的评分方式(做TOEFL 和 sat 比较多),但读了你的作文还是看出了一些问题.
首先,你的第一句话似乎和整篇文章没有联系,It is generally accepted that the technology is advancing at an amazing speed in prent - day society.这句话说得是科技发展,你的文章在谈音乐.（prent-day 应是present-day）第一段如果去掉第一句会更好.
第二段,
1.it is apparently 用的很别扭.你可以说：Apparently,.或It is apparent that.
2.bring about ...to our life.
3.To begin with,with..(To begin with 可以去掉)....are always "diminishing" 或 always diminish
4.To put it from another way ,可以换成 Therefore,
5.从,so...处另起一句
6.music can enhance 情态动词后跟原形,同时 enhance efficiency 有些怪,可以说 improve efficiency 或increase efficiency.
7.Unlike.earlier.一句中 they can avoid..中的they指向不明,可以换成 people who listen to music.
8.第二段后半段谈到music can eliminate disease 时可以加一个例子,如cancer patients who listen to music will have a better feeling and ,therefore,better chance of curing.
9.第三段 realise the music?改成 understand the music
希望这些建议能对你有所帮助 :)