批改一下雅思作文Topic:Some people think music plays an important rol

批改一下雅思作文
Topic:Some people think music plays an important role in society.Others think it is it is simply a form of entertainment.Discuss both sides of this argument and give your own opinion.
In many parts of the world,art is inextricably associated with the whole community.Specifically,people cave sculptures in honer of great people who contribute to human's progress,or painted records bits and pieces of life.Among these art forms,music enjoys wide popular affections.
Many people find music is indispensable for the society,for instance,numerous psychiatric hospitals use it as a cure tool;when people listen some soft music,they will feel relax and become activity again after hard wording all day;even in the factories,leaders play music to help employees work more efficiently.What's more,music has long been an expression of people from different cultures around the world.However,no matter how much it may have differed in disparity parts,it seems that music served a general society purpose:to bring people together.
Those who feel that music is just a type of amusement might argue that it can be replaced by any of recreational activities.There seems to be some likelihood that people can release their working pressure by sports,at the same time,it can strong their body either.In the same way,having afternoon tea is a great diversion for people,they could chat with each other at a light environment,in this way,stress will disappear unconsciously.
Personally,I think that music is the perfect art and our lives would be that much less complete without it,it is one of the ways we make sense of our lives,one of the ways in which we express feeling when we have no words,a way for us to understand things with our hearts when we can't with our minds.So,in my opinion music is both important to individual and society.
语法错误?逻辑改进?大概分数?

首先第一段要直接点不要用ART,因为虽然MUSIC是ART的一部分,但是老外的思维是直接的不会再去绕个弯的
第二段说到MUSIC 的作用.不能直接举例子,要先说到音乐有医疗作用,然后再举例,这和中文一样中心句论点论据 音乐可以提高工作效率 举例说明 下同
第三段变成说其他事情可以代替缓解压力了,但是题目是说有些人认为音乐只是一种娱乐
总结段用了好多个第一人称,记住雅思作文能不用第一人称尽量不用,你如果用a way for 就全部都用不要一会儿时ONE OF WAYS,最后一句说的也不好和题目有出入,题目是说音乐对社会很重要或者是音乐是一种娱乐
总之你审题得审好了,不然偏题绝对不会到6的,大作文就是要求你的逻辑清晰,有论据证明你的论点,然后才是句子结构,语法,用词