请高人给我的托福独立写作打个分,马上要考试了,心里没底啊~

请高人给我的托福独立写作打个分,马上要考试了,心里没底啊~
2009.11.14
it is more important to have the rules about the types of clothing that people are allowed to work and school.
When it comes to the topic that whether it is necessary to establish rules about types of clothing that people are allowed to work and school,opinions vary from person to person.Some people believe that unified clothing can give people a feel of order and comfortable,which would lead to a more efficient work.Nevertheless,others pay more attention to the individuality and creative atmosphere,and thus they oppose to let people wear uniforms in the work place or school.However,from my point of view,it is more advisable for people to wear uniforms when they are working or study.
First and foremost,it is obvious that unified clothing is beneficial to the efficiency of work or study.For instance,if a factory makes rules about clothing types that different kinds of workers should wear,managers can easily distinguish workers just by their clothing,which is good for management.What’s more,the unified clothing can give people feels of order and comfortable.When students study in the schools,their uniforms reveal the well-disciplined and structured environment,and it would be conducive to learning.
In addition,the equal essential reason for my propensity is that uniforms have kind of potential power to encourage people to be responsible and faithful.Amount examples can be used to illustrate this point,for instance,the leader of the famous Sony Company,with the belief that his staff would be aware of their responsibility to their work when they wear same uniforms,recommends all the staff to wear uniforms in the company,consequently Sony enjoy a dramatically increase of profits as the staff work harder.
However,when people enjoy the benefits of unified clothing,isn’t it necessary for we to give consideration to the merits of wearing freely.We cannot deny that people can show their unique individuality by wearing what they like,and the workplace would be filled with atmosphere of freedom and creativity when people wear differently.Moreover,free wearing can also help the students to cultivate of their own personality and encourage them to pursue what they truly want,all of which is helpful for their future development.
From what I have discussed above,we can safely draw the conclusion that though free wearing give people chance to show their individuality and help people to be creative,it cannot compete with the advantages that unified clothing bring about,when the benefits to management and work efficiency into deliberation.With a variety of examples given,I firmly believe that it is important to have rules about the types of clothing that people are allowed to work and school.

3分左右吧.主要问题这么几个
1,有部分句子不通,比如这个...unified clothing can give people a feel of order and comfortable,最后那词应该换成名词comfort,除此还有其他好几个地方,不一一列举了,语法要注意
2,避免同一个词或同一种说法重复出现多次,就是要换词,否则显得词汇贫乏,比如individuality这个词你就用的太多次了,你可以在不同语境下换一种说法,例如最后一段那个可以换成their own life style, their pursuit of fashion等等
但当然,这么做的前提是一定要用对,千万不要用自己不确定的难词或短语,否则错用的话后果更严重.
3,结构清晰,但略显老套,虽然用固定的结构保险,但很难高分,有所创新会更好,在保证逻辑的前提下要勇于打破常规.
4,论证的论据不是最有说服力,注意不要让人容易发现逻辑漏洞,比如sony那个例子吧,虽然leader也许这么认为,但员工穿着工作服和他们工作努力之间的因果关系并不明显,要更有说服力,你可以这么说,据对sony全体员工的调查,90%的人认为,身着公司制服会让他们更有荣誉感,更愿意为公司倾力而为,这就很persuasive,对于托福作文做到这点程度就ok了,要是GRE作文需要更加严密一些~
总而言之,托福作文对逻辑把握上清晰明了不要有太明显的漏洞就好,此外千万别犯很多语法错误,托福是语言考试,这是大忌,在用对词的基础上一定要学会变,不要同一个词或短语或一种说法反复用,同时在结构布局上不要太保守,勇于创新一些~