求雅思作文批改!最好能提供比较细的修改意见和大概的得分.

求雅思作文批改!最好能提供比较细的修改意见和大概的得分.
题目是孩子是应该学习竞争还是合作.
In present-day society,the world is developing through both competition and cooperation .For the purpose of helping children better adapt their adult life,schools should cultivate students' sense of competition and cooperation as a whole.
Nowadays,as the available resources are restricted ,one must learn competition to acquire what he or she wants.For instance ,in order to get admit to reputable universities,students must learn very hard to get a higher score in academic study than their peers.Furthermore,after they graduate from schools,they have to face the fierce competition in job market.Schooling ,in my opinion ,has the obligation to assist students get better prepared for their further challenges.So the sense of competition is a necessity for children and must be encouraged by the teachers.
Additionally ,students with a high sense of competition are typically grow to be more independent in the future.Also ,these students seems to have a outstanding capacity in resolving problems.I think this mainly because one has to cope with frustration and adverse circumstance while compete with others,thus their characters are moulded and they become perseverance in competition activities.
However,these do not mean that cooperation is not essential.Learn to cooperate renders students to establish more lovely social relationships as well as foster their team spirit which is thought to be very important both in study and work.Better even,conflicts among students would be largely avoid if they know how to cooperate with other students.
In conclusion,I would suggest that instilling the sense of competition and cooperation are of equal important in children’s education.

one must learn competition to acquire what he or she desires.
in order to get admitted to reputable universities, students must make a strenuous effort to get a higher score in academic study than their peers.
they have to be confronted with the fierce competition in job market.
has the obligation to assist students in paving the way for their further challenges.
Additionally ,students with a high sense of competition are typically growing up to be more independent in the future.
these students seem to have a outstanding capacity for resolving problems.
I think this is mainly because one has to cope with frustration and adverse circumstances while competing with others, thus their characters are moulded and they develop perseverance in competition activities.
Learning to cooperate impels students to establish more lovely social relationships as well as foster their team spirit which is thought to be very important both in study and work.
conflicts among students would be largely avoided if they know how to cooperate with other students.
I would suggest that instilling the sense of competition and cooperation are of equal importance in children’s education.
作文写的挺好的啊 6.5+啊