雅思快考了 上次作文5.拖了大后腿.顺便估个人分数吧

雅思快考了 上次作文5.拖了大后腿.顺便估个人分数吧
Schools should teach students the academic subjects,which are helpful for their life.Therefore,other subjects such are music and sports are not important.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays the discussion about whether the academic subjects are far more important than the art subjects is under debate.I believe the studying academic subjects are essential for students` further development ,but art subjects also play a important role to help the student grow heathily
First,I must admit that art subjects are necessary in the school life,such as physical education in which students can build thier body and learn to cooperate with the other people.During the game,students not only do exercises but also gain the sense of winning and losing,which is a nessesity of success.While in the painting class,accordingly the students are forstered the proception of beauty and good tastes.Apparently these art subjects will lead to the decrease of the acadmic learning time ,but as an old saying goes,"All study no play make Jack a dull".For a child ,the adequate acknowledge of art subjects is a necessity for his or her mental and physical health.
Furthermore,having art classes is giving the students who have special talent and specific interests a opportunity to achieve their dreams.What the parents concerns most is whether the art subjects takes so much time that thier children cannot get a great score in academic subjects to enter a higher educational institution like a college or university.However,realistically,almost all the universities in china found college of fine arts and college of physical culture.The students have gifts can also get the enter ticket to the top universities by working hard on the specific field that they focus on.
However,I propose that the academic subjects still play a irreplaceable part in children`s educational program.to be honest,the academic lessons contains a broader range of information and knowledge.These subjects cultivate students` ability of critical thinking and memorizing abstracted concepts,which motivates their intelligence and imagination.Believe it or not,they are the foundation of learning capacity.After all,the students who are talented in arts or sports is the minority of the whole,while the most students need to concentrate on the academic learning in order to go to a college.
In conclusion,I believe that the art subjects are quite important for the growth of a child,there is no way to abolish these,however the academic subjects should occupy more lesson hours than art subjects,which is the priority in eduction for the most students.

...我又来看这篇了.
给你点意见希望能帮到你 .你既然说你看过写作书,就无法避免套一些句型,第一段第一句就是套的.我上过很长时间的环球雅思,每个老师都强调,写作一定要按照老外的思维习惯,就是中心思想明确,也就是说在第一段你必须表明立场,支持这个观点还是不支持,然后举例证明.你的第一段观点有那么点含糊.
句型 单词都比上一篇好,如果考试的时候呢能写成这样应该有6-6.5分吧.
再给你个建议,多花点时间放到听力和阅读上,这两个项目容易拿分,中国学生一般口语和写作差点.
再问： 实在是太谢谢你的点评了。我的听力和阅读都过了，就是写作太差了，所以得继续考。那同学，这第一句怎么写能够脱离模板呢？您能给我点指点吗？如果是你，你觉得该怎样开头呢？麻烦你了！