求大侠帮我看看我的雅思大作文,顺便估下分~上次考了5.5 这次不想悲剧了~

求大侠帮我看看我的雅思大作文,顺便估下分~上次考了5.5 这次不想悲剧了~
Somepeople think that school should put students in different classes according to
their academic ability,while some others believe that students of different
abilities should be educated together.Please discuss both views and then
present your own opinion.
Today,
there is an argument about whether students in different levels of their
academic abilities should be educated together.Personally,I tend to that they
should be taught in the same class.
If a student is educated in a common class,it will have many advantages.The most
important one is the student will adapt to the society easily in the future.
Because the society has many different people with different abilities and
there is no “class” in society.So,before the students get into the society,
it is a chance to let the student co-operate with those who have different
abilities and backgrounds.They will be benefited from it.It also can motivate
the slow students to work hard at school.
In order to become more “successful”.Those more
intelligent who are more likely to have a quicker mind and a stronger knowledge
thirsty intention.They prefer to study in a better class.In this kind of
class,teachers may teach their students more difficult and complex knowledge
cater for their special needs.But,in this class,there are more competitions
and the students will suffer more stress on their lessons.That is not good for
their psychological health,but may be that is good for their marks.
Overall,Both of choices have positive and negative aspects.I think it is much better
to teach the students together,but,it is important to respect the students’
choice.

我觉得还行,思路基本清晰,有这么些问题注意一下
1 在用词上注意尽量多使用实义动词,而不是助动词或者情态动词 这样可以提高表达的准确性.
2文章的逻辑连贯以及论点论据论证的相互支撑要注意一下
3注意表达的得体性
我改了下面几个地方
1The most important one is the student will adapt to the society easily in the future.
Because the society has many different people with different abilities 可以改成
The most important one is the contribution of future social adaptation as the society is composed of individuals with different backgrounds.这里注意一下动词名词化,英语是一种名词性语言,它倾向于用以ment 或者tion结尾的抽象名词表示动词的含义,在一个句子里表示多个动作的时候可以只用一个动词表示主要动作,其他的可以用动词意义的抽象名词来表示,比如contribution,initiation,statement,completion adaption.它们都可以表示自己对应动词的含义 (contribute,initiate,state complete adapt).
2 I tend to that ,应该是 I tend to believe that
3 They will be benefited from it.It also can motivate the slow students to work hard at school.这2句话其实是有隐含的从属逻辑关系,应该改成 They will benefit from it,especially for those slow students who are motivated to work hard(at school可以省略了,这不是这句话的重点） 4 Those more intelligent who are more likely to have a quicker mind and a stronger knowledge
thirsty intention 这句话没有谓语,你自己改改吧
5 In this kind of class,teachers may teach their students more difficult and complex knowledge
cater for their special needs 这句话2个问题,1是冗余,their student是不需要交代的,2 cater这个动词使得整个句子里有2个谓语,双谓语结构是一个语法错误,应该改成
In this kind of class,more difficult and complex contents may be taught which cater for the special needs of students 被动态表示句子强调的是更深的课程而不是老师,定语从句说明是课程内容满足了学生的需要
7 But,in this class,there are more competitions and the students will suffer more stress on their lessons 这句话里的逻辑关系不是很清晰,应该改成：But,in this class,given the fierce competition,students may feel more stressful 这里有个因果关系需要用given强调,更激烈的竞争导致更大的压力.
下面是我写的,仅供参考,
The argument about whether students,basing on their academic performance,should be cultivated separately has arisen heated debates.And different attitutes are held by diverse people.
This view has been challenged,as some people believe it may exert negative impat on students' social skills.Studying in a common class enable individuals to establish social relationships with others who have diverse backgrounds,ideas,and way of lives.In this class,students' interpersonal and communication skills are trained which are vital for both the initiation of career and daily lives.However,students,if separatedly educated,are unable to fully access these opprotunities to enhance their social skills and thereby they will feel difficult to enroll in such a complex society in future.
Despite the drawbacks above,the advantages of this mode have been emphisized by a large number of advocators.They claim that designing diverse course plans which are specialized for students of different academic backgrounds can maximize the training effects As they are set in particular to fulfill the requirements of different level students.
For low level students,laying solid academic fundation is their targets while applying skills in dealing with some challengable puzzles is required by high level ones.
In my point of view,I cannot agree with this view not only because of the requirements of social skills,but also the maintenance of equal and fairness education.Equally accessing educationa resources is a basic right of students that should be protect by both educational institutions and government.However,it is the separated classes that denude this right and therey should be banned