求求一个懂雅思老师帮我改一改雅思作文 改改语法等等 最好给我提点建议和给个分数哈

求求一个懂雅思老师帮我改一改雅思作文 改改语法等等 最好给我提点建议和给个分数哈
In this essay, i will attempt to find out the main causes of these problems and provide some useful measures which may control them.
In my opinion, most of them do not have healthy habits,which results in their increasing weight. Unhealthy diet is considered as an important cause. Those who like to eat junk food, such as chips,barbecue and hamburgers, absorb too many calories so that they easily become fatter. In addition to this , irregular diet and less balanced diet are also the significant factors result in weight increasing. Second,it can not deny that lack of physical exercise is a vital reason causes people fatter and weaker. So many middle class with a lot of stress, they can not set aside even a little time to do some exercise. There are no ways to them to consume their fat so they get fat and weak easily.
I feel that there are two ways to control this problem. First , all forms of media should advertise how important the healthy habits to our lives and encourage people to break bad habits. Second our government should roll out some policies to ensure everyone have enough time to do exercise. Maybe these policies will cut down the working-time,but if people have a healthy body they can do the jobs efficiently. We will see that we get more than lost.
On the whole , i do not believe that we can ever rid these problems out of our society ,but if the measures i have suggested here were well taken, i am convinced that we would see an improvement.

In this essay, i will attempt to find out the main causes of these problems and provide some useful measures which may control them.(WHAT IS THE PROBLEMS THAT YOU MENTIONED? IS USEFUL METHODS)
In my opinion, most of them do not have healthy habits,which results in their increasing weight.(DO NOT PRACTISE HEALTHY LIFE STYLE. GAINING IN WEIGHT) Unhealthy diet is considered as an important cause(MAIN CAUSE). Those who like to eat junk food, such as chips,barbecue and hamburgers, absorb too many calories so that they easily become fatter(EATING TOO MUCH JUNK FOOD .WILL LEAD TO OBESITY BECAUSE OF HIGH CALORIES CONTENTS OF THE FOOD). In addition( to this :NO NEED THIS), irregular diet and less balanced(UNBALANCED) diet are also the significant factors result in weight increasing. SecondLY,it can not deny that lack of physical exercise is a vital reason causes people fatter and weaker(CAUSES OBESITY PROBLEM). So many middle class with a lot of stress, they can not set aside even a little time to do some exercise. There are no ways to them to consume their fat so they get fat and weak easily.(I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS SENTENCE.)
(IN MY OPINION, ITHINK THAT)I feel that there are two ways to control this problem. First , all forms of media should advertise how important the healthy habits to our lives and encourage people to break bad habits(ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO PRACTISE HEALTHY LIFE STYLE/CHANGE THEIR BAD HABIT). SecondLY our government should roll out some policies to ensure everyone have enough time to do exercise. Maybe these policies will cut down the working-time,but if people have a healthy (body they can do the jobs efficiently. We will see that we get more than lost.(I DONT UNDERSTAND... MAY BE CAN CHANGE TO: ENFORCE POLICIES/REDUCE WORKING TIME)
(IN THE CONCLUSION)On the whole , i do not believe that we can ever rid these problems out of our society ,but if the measures i have suggested here were well taken, i am convinced that we would see an improvement.