自己写了篇雅思作文,题目是兼职工作的利弊,帮忙估计下分数并改正,For years,students have been

自己写了篇雅思作文,
题目是兼职工作的利弊,帮忙估计下分数并改正,
For years,students have been seen as those who only just work and study in schools.But things have changed now.In recent years,taking a part-time job is becoming increasingly popular.There arises a heated debate over whether it is wise to take a part-time job.Quite a few people have the idea that taking part-time jobs benefits a lot while others insist that students should focus on studies.Both sides have their merits.
Those who hold the view that it is helpful to take jobs have several reasons for it.First of all,getting a job helps to cultivate independence and build up one’s confidence.Students who have a part-time job will soon find themselves more socially adaptable.Then,a part-time job can give you valuable work experience and expand your resume.In addition,a paid work helps to ease the financial burden.
However,some people have a different attitude,arguing that students should concentrate on their studies.To begin with,children may think that a job takes away too much time and really cut into their studies.It is hard to find a balance between the school and work schedules.Moreover,teens are not mature enough so that they may be affected by the social evils and easily go astray.
Both sides above make sense.As far as I am concerned,students should be encouraged to take part-time jobs.It helps to enhance our social awareness and provides an opportunity to prepare for the real world.

语法错误问题基本上可以被忽略,但是有以下几个弱点,也导致这篇作文只能在6-6.5份段,（不知道作者是否觉得满意）
1.字数,我放在word里查了下,字数只有刚刚250个字,想提醒作者,雅思虽然规定的是至少250个字,但是只有写到350个字的作文才会拿到7分以上
2.缺少左证材料,作者一直在空洞的发表自己的想法,缺少例子,这也是本文不够充实的原因
3.con side的论据应该更多的是从外人是怎么看的,而不是学生自己
优点:首尾比较合适,可以不用修改