那位高手能帮我批改一下雅思作文,这是本人的处女作,毛病可能很多,希望有高手能帮帮小弟彻底修改一下!

那位高手能帮我批改一下雅思作文,这是本人的处女作,毛病可能很多,希望有高手能帮帮小弟彻底修改一下!
给个分数,最好能提一点实质性意见,
topic:some people think music is just a form of entertainment while others think it playsmore important roles .Discuss
Currently,music has played an essential role in the general public of living .One of the best funduction is that music —classical music or modern music—can relax their
bodies and ease their minds ,even ease patients" pain .However ,some persons only define it as a form of entertainment ,while others assert that music has a deep
influence to people .
To some laymen ,who can not understand the theories of music or the methology of
using ,music has to be regarded as amusement .They will feel relaxed hearing light music and lifeful when hot music is coming .However it has been enough to them so long as music can offer them happiness or forget worries within the rush of modern life .
Of course ,many profession such as musicans and music teachers ,have different preception of music .Through professional knowledge and background ,they may realize the meaning author wants to experss so that there are getting a clear perspective of what is the beauty of living quality through releasing album .In other
words ,music brings great profit to them and has been becoming an integard part of them.
To sum up ,I do believe that music as a pattern of entertainment is adapted by folks ,but it must to recongnise that music does to be a significant part for special persons.
我知道字数偏少,大概260多字,这个问题我会好好解决的,这个就先不算影响分数的原因吧
TO sum up 为最后一段,打的有点不清晰
我是诚心和大家交流,要的是具体的修改和改进,对于浮夸的话还是不要说得好,越真实越好

本人才疏学浅,抱以探讨学习态度拜读,仅供参考,
第一段：1、“—classical music or modern music—”中的“—”应改成逗号,英文中的插入语格式不和中文一样.
2、“some persons”应改为“some people”
3、“a deep influence to people”应为“a deep influence on people”,to后面接物,不接人.
4、while在此处表转折,但“while”后的句意是：其他人认为音乐对人有深远影响（influence是中性稍偏褒义的“影响”）,貌似和之前的音乐为人减轻痛苦都数音乐的积极意义,转折意图不明显
第二段：1、“has to be regarded”有不得不的意味,应用“has been regarded”
2、relax本身就是形容词,feel relax hearing即可,relaxed则是另外一个意思,不能混用
3、they will feel不妥,will表将来,虽然when hot music is coming看起来像“好音乐到来之时”,有将来的意味,但在这里没有强调在未来的某个时刻到来,coming只表伴随,人们不是将来会感觉轻松,用they feel 即可
4、lifeful一般形容物,不行容人
5、在music作主语时,forget修饰的是music,不能说音乐忘记了什么,只能说music help us forget
第三段：1、musicians算artists,不算profession
2、主语为profession时动词不能用have,musicians、music teachers只表修饰,不是真正意义上的主语,不能说许多职业有对音乐的不同感知能力
3、“there are getting a clear perspective”中are换成is
4、“music brings great profit”中profit要加s
5、“but it must to recongnise”recognise要被动
总的说来,比我第一次犯的错误少很多,继续努力,成功在即