托福写作例子修改,主要检查有没语法错误,马上就考了啊!

托福写作例子修改,主要检查有没语法错误,马上就考了啊!
Communication skill has become an indispensable ability for today’s young people to have due to the rapid development of our modern society.A young man needs to know how to eliminate his tense mood to express his ideas clearly when he is being interviewed; he needs to know in which manner he should talk to his old father to keep a healthy relationship between them; he also needs to know what he was supposed do if his client was not satisfied with the qualities of his company’s products.If he wants to have a good position in the increasing competitive job market,he has to know all these things.
It is necessary for a good parent to learn some basic knowledge of education.It is not rare to see some parents treat their children’s errors in a badly rude way.Take my friend for example,she was commonly seen beating and shouting at her son for some small reasons,such as dirtying his clothes.As a result,her son gradually became more and more silent and he even tended to avoid her as much as possible.However,parents with a common sense of education would know how to lead their children to a right way.
Most parents more or less have some bad habits,such as smoking or drinking.Although these habits are hard to be changed,it pays to change them if parents really devote themselves to educating their offspring,because all children are likely to simulate their parents’ behaviors without a judgment.
For instance,I have a friend who was so busy that she could not spare any time to reunite with her parents.Even during holidays,she still needed to do extra marketing researches for her company in order to get an advancement.She thought if she could get higher salaries to buy expensive presents for her parents,they would be happy and satisfied with her.However,she was totally wrong.What her parents really need was seeing her in person.After her mother’s death,she felt so regretful but it is not possible for her to stay with her mother any more.
If a client demands the company to change the colors of their products abruptly,a boss has to find ways to solve the problem in a shortest time.He must not only meet the client’s needs but also reduce the loss as much as possible for the company.
For instance,last year,I worked in a company in which there was a polite boss.He just had formed the habit to smile to everyone in the company.Maybe this habit seemed to be very small,it created a harmonious atmosphere in the company though.The boss’s politeness encouraged all our employees to work harder to struggle for our company’s goal.At last,we did it successfully.From this case,we come to know that a leader’s politeness could lead his company to a success.
如果能给点意见神马的就更好了啊

1.第一段第五行was supposed do要改成was supposed to do
2.第一段倒数第二行the increasing competitive job market 改为increasingly
3.第二段treat their children’s errors in a badly rude way 不地道.改为treat their children rudely whenever they make mistakes 或者to criticize their children bitterly when they make a mistake
4 第二段gradually became more and more silent.gradually 或者more and more去掉一个,意思重复.
5. 第三段 Although these habits are hard to be changed, parents can make a difference if they really devote...这里模仿不要用simulate同步模拟,用imitate
6. 第四段 do research不可数.不用advancement而要用promotion晋升.
7. 第四段 She thought if she could get higher salaries to buy expensive presents for her parents, they would be happy and satisfied with her.这可是两句话啊.
8. 第五段 in no time 或者ASAP更好.
9. Maybe this habit seemed to be very small,太Chinglish啦.Maybe this habit is no big deal或者Maybe this habit is not obvious.
还有,写作文时,一定要注意连接词的使用.这样使得你的托福作文更有逻辑.如,however, but, also, first and foremost, second, third, last but not least, for, since, nevertheless.这样就差不多了.你的作文用词还可以啊.加油!
再问： 再问个问题哈，那个advancement改成opportunity for advancement 可以吗 第四段的是不是就把happy去了，就说would be satisfied with her就行了？ 第一次考心里很没底，谢谢帮忙了！！
再答： 对，这两处自己改得都很通顺啊，没问题！~~