请帮忙看看这篇自荐信有没有语法或表达方面的错误,

请帮忙看看这篇自荐信有没有语法或表达方面的错误,
Cover letter
Dear colleagues:
Hello!
Thank you very much during the busy schedule to reading my cover letter,I hope you can bring a surprise,My name is ***,studying at the ***,my education is undergraduate and professional electronics and information science and technology,Aged 24-year-old.In June 2007 I graduates form the University,I recommend myself to your company with sincere,hopeing to join the groups of your company,to achieve self-life,apply what they have learned and for the company's development,I will do my best.
I study at electronic technology of all professional courses during the four years,familiar with the theory of commonly used analog and digital circuit and its applications,mastering the professional software AutoCAD、MaxPlus-Ⅱ、PROTEL,and the other hand of computer hardware and software for a considerable understanding and I can independent handling of PC hardware and software fault ,The network knowledge I master the theory of seven-network-topology and it's application ,understanding network architecture and principles,in the office software I master office family of software and Photoshop,Corel Draw,etc.
As a 2007 electronic engineering graduates,I owned the young and the knowledge.Young may mean that the lack of experience,but also means that young enthusiasm and vigor.I think the greatest strengths of mine is it's very carefully to face my business ,and ability to learn more,during the University of my professional knowledge is not the best ,but I success to achieve its objective of improving my ability to learn!The time for graduation practice in a very clear expression out of the internship period I am very confident,in practice when I reflected its own characteristics!
I learn more and more training in the attitude in practice and exercise their ability to work,interpersonal skills and cultivate the spirit of collaboration groups.I have the honour to present a resume of mine,are shown in my experience,skills and qualifications.I can leave for interviews at any time.If appointed,may participate in the working week.
Best Regard!

问题很多额.哥哥.我直接帮你改了
Cover letter
Dear colleagues:
Hello!Thank you very much for reading my cover letter during the busy schedule.I hope you can have a surprise.My name is ***,now studying at the ***.I am an undergraduateand（你的意思是你是本科生吧?其实外国人没有本科生这种说法,可能会不懂你的意思）,and I am studying professional electronics and information science&technology,24 years old(24-year-old只能做定语,不能做表语）.In June 2007,I graduated from my university.I recommend myself to your company with sincereness,hoping to join the groups of your company and achieve my life goal.I will make the best of what I have learned and,for the company's development,I will do my best.
I studyed electronic technology of all professional courses during the four years,familiar with the theory of commonly used analog and digital circuit and its applications.I have mastered professional softwares such as AutoCAD、MaxPlus-Ⅱ、PROTEL.On the other hand ,I have a considerable understanding of computer hardwares and softwares so that I can independently handle PC hardware and software fault.I master the theory of seven-network-topology and it's application ,understanding network architecture and principles.In the office software,I master office family of software and Photoshop,Corel Draw,etc.
As a 2007 electronic engineering graduates,I own the young and the knowledge.Young may mean that the lack of experience,but also means enthusiasm and vigor.I think the greatest strengths of mine is,first,I face my business very carefully,second,my ability to learn more——during the university years,my professional knowledge is not the best ,but I succeeded in achieving the objective of improving my ability to learn!The time for graduation practice in a very clear expression out of the internship period I am very confident,in practice when I reflected its own characteristics!
I learn more and more training in the attitude in practice and exercise their ability to work,interpersonal skills and cultivate the spirit of collaboration groups.I have the honour to present a resume of mine,are shown in my experience,skills and qualifications.I can leave for interviews at any time.If appointed,may participate in the working week.
Best Regards!
我的意见是,如果你是给中国人看,那么够忽悠了,如果是正儿八经的给企业或者外国人看,你还是叫你英语好点的同学重新写一篇吧.后面都改不下去了.完全是Chinglish,而不是English了.