托福作文求批改：D/A:your jobs has more effects on your happiness tha

托福作文求批改：D/A:your jobs has more effects on your happiness than social life does
Nowadays,people have a wide agreement thatwork plays an important role of people life and everyone pursues happiness.However,people have conflicting opinions on whether their jobs have more effects on your happiness than their social life does.As far as I am concerned,I wholeheartedly believe that individuals’ jobs influence their happiness more.
In the first place,no one can deny the fact that individuals spend most of their time on their work,especially in the modern society,while usually they do not have enough time to enjoy their social life.We go to work from Monday to Friday,such a long time!Thus,we have to be enthusiastic about our work in order to make sure that our life is worth.On the other hand,in most cases,social life has its specific purpose such as improve relationship with colleagues or expand human resources,which sometimes makes people feel stressful and tired,thus,people cannot get sense of happiness from their social life at all.
In addition,when it comes to individual’s career,most individuals believe that their jobs are what they dream of.Since we were at a young age,our parents always asked about our dream jobs.Be a scientist?Be a supermodel?Be a businessman?Be a doctor?Be a lawyer?Job exactly helps us achieve our social value,which is very important for a person who is ambitious and want to do something good to society.For instance being a scientist can improve development of science; being a businessman can improve development of economy; being a doctor can save patients’ life; being a lawyer can uphold fairness and justice.Obviously,individuals’ jobs provide them an opportunity to get sense of achievement,which is a crucial factor of their happiness.Nevertheless,few people consider their social life to be a sign of happiness.
Admittedly,we are under overwhelming pressure from our work while some people might think social life can help them relax.What I am trying to say is,as a person works in this modern society,it is a must that you have to learn how to adapt to pressure,change your attitude towards jobs and enjoy your job.If not so,I am sure that you cannot take a good break even while dong your social activities,because people can tell your depression from your face,however,no one wants to make friend who is upset or freaking out and know nothing but always complain about his job.Change your attitude towards job and be passionate about is,you can enjoy the happiness from work and social life.
Let us summarize what have been discussed above,work time occupies lots time of our life and there is no reason for us to hate or complain about our jobs.We can achieve our social value from our jobs.Therefore,jobs have more effects on individuals’ happiness than social life does.

Nowadays, people have a wide agreement thatwork plays an important role of people life 第一句话不好,我会问你你为什么这么说.
wholeheartedly这个词用得太矫情了
most cases太抽象,哪些case?
On the other hand, in most cases, social life has its specific purpose such as improve relationship with colleagues or expand human resources, which sometimes makes people feel stressful and tired, thus, people cannot get sense of happiness from their social life at all.病句啊.
非限定性定语从句,which不能只带前面整个句子,只可以指代前面的词.
jobs have more effects on individuals’ happiness than social life does整篇文章没有论证出more来啊!而且more这个东西是论证不出来的
逻辑有些混乱,建议每段把主题句写在第一句话.
望采纳
再问： 我觉得more是论证出来的 只是真的有点逻辑混乱 没有把主题句举在第一句的缘故 还有which 不能指代前面的句子？我记得可以啊。。。In most cases 不行的话 for most people 可不可以？
再答： 1. which在口语中是可以指代句子的，但是真正的英语文法中是不行的。你也可以看看托福阅读里面的which从句， 2. 其实most那个地方我是想让你进行specific的解释，比如most cases, especially.../ including... 3. 主要原因就是主题句没放在开始。