雅思作文求点评打分写的今年10月27号的题目“广告使人们越来越相似,同意或不同意.”没敢用太高级的词,怕出错.希望多说说

雅思作文求点评打分
写的今年10月27号的题目“广告使人们越来越相似,同意或不同意.”
没敢用太高级的词,怕出错.希望多说说文章结构和论点上怎么样.
In this day ,the advertisement is providing a increasing significant referance in people's decision making.Some people assert that people have lost themselves and became more and more similar due to the advertisement .I agree with it (to some extant)
It goes without saying that people would rather chose the goods they have heared about before than something totally new.For this reason ,the products which are advertised can get much more users than others (unless the product is much worse than the description in advertusement.)For instance ,Iphone ,which can be found erery streets and offices ,is no doubt that have a successful publicity system.
In addition ,the advertisement can transform our standards of aesthetics and guide the fashion style .When a company encourages the public to buy its product ,it may try it best to define their goods as "stunning" and "gorgeous".Peole adopt this product,in the meanwhile they adopt a new standard of beauty and change themslves to the appearance advertisement provides then they get similar.
It is worth mentioning that while some benifits are brought to sellers from this phenomenon,a number of nagetive influences ,however ,appear.Firstly,the diversity of society may be weaken.Moreover ,with the growing consumption ,the price of this product may have a unreasonable enhancement.
In short,people truely get similar because of the ever-accelerated advertisement market,but wether it is a good deed or a curse depends on what attitude people adopt toward it.

In this day =>In these days.指的是最近,不是今天
a increasing significant=》an increasingly significant 注意两个形容词不能连用
注意检查拼写和其他语法.
总体来说写的还是流畅的,意思表达清楚了.
结构上来说,大体是三段式,没什么太大问题.
论点上来看,第二段第三段建议仔细修改一下,并不是每句话都在论证人们变得相似,有些句子说的是广告商怎么怎么,但是没有强调影响.可以在斟酌一下.第四段论点也不太集中,先说减少了多样性,然后又说东西变贵了,这个与主题关系不那么密切.
再问： 恩，我下次会注意的。。第四段我写的是这样的现象带来的影响，因为实在想不到别的论点了，不知道论点不集中是什么意思。。如果改的话怎么改啊。 然后，差不多是几分水平内。。
再答： 其实也不用太多论点，如果你想不到，可以把句型变一下，这样感觉主题更突出。 比如，to promote the price, advertisers ****, thus, people are becoming similar 这样字数也够了，看起来主题也更突出。