作业帮刚写了一篇托福作文,觉得有很多问题,跪求批改,谢谢!
来源：学生作业帮 编辑：作业帮 分类：综合作业 时间：2024/05/15 01:51:50
刚写了一篇托福作文,觉得有很多问题,跪求批改,谢谢!
It has recently been announced that a large shopping mall is about to be built in our neighborhood. However, when asked about whether we support this plan or not, different people may offer different opinions. Some may suggest that there is no need to waste so much money to build it, because there are already enough grocery stores for them to buy anything they want; besides, the construction of the shopping mall will create a lot of noises, and therefore disturbs our daily lives. On the contrary, there are also many people who strongly support this plan, because they believe that building a shopping mall is more beneficial to the people in our neighborhoods; in fact, I am one of them, and I would like to point put the following two points to support my belief.
First, a very important benefit in having a shopping center in the neighborhood is the convenience it provides. Apparently, we can save lots of time by going shopping in a big shopping center, because it provides all kinds of goods from daily necessaries to valuable jewelry, virtually everything we may need. Without a shopping center, we may have to visit several stores so that we could get all the things we need, it is really inconvenient to us. Besides, due to its excellent cost control, the commodity prices in a big shopping center is always lower than those of a small grocery store, which means we could also save some money by going shopping in a shopping center.
Second, another reason for having a shopping center is that it will increase the property values of the neighborhood. Since most house buyers would be more willing to buy a house where there is a big shopping mall nearby, the demand for real estate in the neighborhood would be greatly increased, hence its price would certainly be higher. As for the property owners, anything that adds value to their property is of course a much-welcomed benefit.
In conclusion, I definitely believe that building a big shopping center in the neighborhood is more beneficial to us, because it can enable us to go shopping more conveniently and increase the value of our property at the same time.
It has recently been announced that a large shopping mall is about to be built in our neighborhood. However, when asked about whether we support this plan or not, different people may offer different opinions. Some may suggest that there is no need to waste so much money to build it, because there are already enough grocery stores for them to buy anything they want; besides, the construction of the shopping mall will create a lot of noises, and therefore disturbs our daily lives. On the contrary, there are also many people who strongly support this plan, because they believe that building a shopping mall is more beneficial to the people in our neighborhoods; in fact, I am one of them, and I would like to point put the following two points to support my belief.
First, a very important benefit in having a shopping center in the neighborhood is the convenience it provides. Apparently, we can save lots of time by going shopping in a big shopping center, because it provides all kinds of goods from daily necessaries to valuable jewelry, virtually everything we may need. Without a shopping center, we may have to visit several stores so that we could get all the things we need, it is really inconvenient to us. Besides, due to its excellent cost control, the commodity prices in a big shopping center is always lower than those of a small grocery store, which means we could also save some money by going shopping in a shopping center.
Second, another reason for having a shopping center is that it will increase the property values of the neighborhood. Since most house buyers would be more willing to buy a house where there is a big shopping mall nearby, the demand for real estate in the neighborhood would be greatly increased, hence its price would certainly be higher. As for the property owners, anything that adds value to their property is of course a much-welcomed benefit.
In conclusion, I definitely believe that building a big shopping center in the neighborhood is more beneficial to us, because it can enable us to go shopping more conveniently and increase the value of our property at the same time.
第一段问题比较多：你在一段话里用的there be句式有点太多了,而且过于集中.其实外国人不是很常用there be的,而且你的那两句完全可以改的更简洁一点,有这两个there be反而显得很累赘.
最后一句I am one of them,them是指那些人?前面那类还是后面那类?这在语法上叫指代不清.而且表明观点的最后一句是多重要的一句啊,你不能这样说的不清不楚,一带而过.你就把改卷子的想成一小孩,说的那么含糊老外脑袋转不过来的.
还有,你不觉得第一段和后面几段比,有些太长了吗,喧宾夺主了.原因很简单,模板痕迹太重,导致说话不简洁.因为你想使劲套用进模板里,就显得文章头重脚轻.其实里面一些反对的观点,你完全可以拿出来放到总结前面,自成一段让步段.这样文章就有了五段,也不会显得头重脚轻的.
我大致看了一下,后面的观点啊,陈述啊都写的不错,唯一缺少的就是例子.孩子,缺解释你也不能缺例子啊,观点+解释+例子,缺一不可!老外这方面比较死板,你就当八股文写吧.
千万不能缺例子!而且一个观点就要一个例子!（不过我前面说的让步段就算了.毕竟让步段不是文章主体.）
再问： 呵呵，你说的很对呀，文章大部分内容是按照模版写的，可是我真不知道怎么改呀，能说的具体一点应该怎么改吗？比如there be句型应该怎么换？
再答： Some may suggest that building the shopping mall will waste too much money, and there has enough grocery stores for people. Besides, the construction of the shopping mall will create a lot of noises which may disturb citizens' daily lives. Although many people strongly support this plan, I still believe...原文because 后面就可以提出来变成让步段了。 你仔细看下我改的地方，和你的对比一下。虽然你连词很多，这很好，但是。。太多了= =显得逻辑关系很混乱。一个长句子里一个连词够了，别弄成两个分句加两个连词，能合成一句的就合成一句。 而且最好别用分号，你看外国的那些杂志上，很少见分号的，中国人都很少用，虽然用也没错，但是显得一句话太长了，总没个头。 还有，不要老害怕出现关键词，比如本文的关键词就是shopping mall，不用避免出现啊，关键词就是要反复强调的啊，你也不用刻意替换，每段都可以出现的，还是那句话，目的是把文章内容说清楚，说明白。
最后一句I am one of them,them是指那些人?前面那类还是后面那类?这在语法上叫指代不清.而且表明观点的最后一句是多重要的一句啊,你不能这样说的不清不楚,一带而过.你就把改卷子的想成一小孩,说的那么含糊老外脑袋转不过来的.
还有,你不觉得第一段和后面几段比,有些太长了吗,喧宾夺主了.原因很简单,模板痕迹太重,导致说话不简洁.因为你想使劲套用进模板里,就显得文章头重脚轻.其实里面一些反对的观点,你完全可以拿出来放到总结前面,自成一段让步段.这样文章就有了五段,也不会显得头重脚轻的.
我大致看了一下,后面的观点啊,陈述啊都写的不错,唯一缺少的就是例子.孩子,缺解释你也不能缺例子啊,观点+解释+例子,缺一不可!老外这方面比较死板,你就当八股文写吧.
千万不能缺例子!而且一个观点就要一个例子!（不过我前面说的让步段就算了.毕竟让步段不是文章主体.）
再问： 呵呵，你说的很对呀，文章大部分内容是按照模版写的，可是我真不知道怎么改呀，能说的具体一点应该怎么改吗？比如there be句型应该怎么换？
再答： Some may suggest that building the shopping mall will waste too much money, and there has enough grocery stores for people. Besides, the construction of the shopping mall will create a lot of noises which may disturb citizens' daily lives. Although many people strongly support this plan, I still believe...原文because 后面就可以提出来变成让步段了。 你仔细看下我改的地方，和你的对比一下。虽然你连词很多，这很好，但是。。太多了= =显得逻辑关系很混乱。一个长句子里一个连词够了，别弄成两个分句加两个连词，能合成一句的就合成一句。 而且最好别用分号，你看外国的那些杂志上，很少见分号的，中国人都很少用，虽然用也没错，但是显得一句话太长了，总没个头。 还有，不要老害怕出现关键词，比如本文的关键词就是shopping mall，不用避免出现啊，关键词就是要反复强调的啊，你也不用刻意替换，每段都可以出现的，还是那句话，目的是把文章内容说清楚，说明白。