帮忙改语法错误 我的语法存在很大问题

帮忙改语法错误 我的语法存在很大问题
The number of full-time students who try to
look for part-time jobs was increasing in the past few years.Some people say
it is detrimental for students’ focusing on learning,they insist that the only
responsibility for students is to learn more acknowledge.The objectors claim that part-time jobs are
beneficial for full-times students,attribute to being able to gather more
social experiences and earn more money.
As I see it,I support that full-time students ought to be permitted to
find some part time jobs,but there should be some preconditions as following:
First and foremost,some relatively poor students are really in need for
part-time jobs,because most of their family can’t afford their high expenses
in university,which means looking for some part-time jobs is the only way out
to finish their college life,after all,not every student could win particular
scholarship.
Secondly,although part-time jobs should be permitted,but there still
have some problems.
On one hand,part-time jobs definitely are
not allowed to influence students’ learning efficiency,which might be affect
their credits in school,no matter how,learning is still the first
responsibility of students.On the other hand,for instance,lately there is a
report that a female student had been raped when she was working,which told us
that most teenagers are lack of enough social experiences.So they need advices
from teachers and their parents.Besides,relative national law should also be established
so as to protect students.
As a whole,students deserve a chance for part-time jobs,but their
schools and parents and even our government should take some relevant measuresto protect these students.

The number of full-time students who try to look for part-time jobs “has been" increasing in the past few years.Some people say "this is" detrimental for "student whose responsibility is to focus on learning acknowledge." "Others" claim that part-time jobs are beneficial for full-times students "because they help students" to "gain" more social experiences and earn more money."In my point of view,full-time students ought(should?) to be permitted to find some part time jobs." "However," there should be some preconditions "we need to be aware of."
"On one hand,there are" some relatively poor students "who" are really in need for part-time jobs "and most of them" can’t afford their high expenses in university."In other words," looking for "part-time jobs" is the only way out "for these low income students" to "complete" their college life." After all," not every student "is able to" win "scholarship".
"On the other hand,although" part-time jobs should be permitted,"there are" some problems "we still need to deal with"."First,part-time jobs" definitely should " not "affect" students’ learning efficiency,which might "cause a loss of credits in school"; no matter what,learning is still the "most important task for" students."Second,students might take risks for doing part-time jobs".For instance,"there was" a report "I read lately about how a female student was raped" when she was working."This report warms" us that most teenagers are "lack of social experiences and that they cannot protect themselves well." "As a result," they need advices from teachers and "parents"."Moreover," relative national law "should be" established "in order to" protect "those students who work for part-time jobs".
As a whole,although students deserve a chance for part-time jobs,"their
schools,parents and government" should take some relevant measures to protect "them".
*Great context,but need more work on grammar!:D The biggest issue of ur essay is that many places are just redundant.But all in all,NICE JOB!:D Please feel free to ask(or discuss?) me if you need any other help on the essay!
*by the way,I am not professional and I dont think i did a perfect job on correcting your essay,ask more people to edit it .Plus,i attatch(?) a link below,it is called the Essay Instiitute,and it helps people on their writing.
I hope I did help you a little :D