请各位能不能看看我的IELTS作文能有5.

请各位能不能看看我的IELTS作文能有5.
There are social,medical and technical problems associated with the use of mobile phones.What froms do they take?Do you agree that the problems outweigh the benefits of the mobile phone?
In modern society with the rapid development of science and technology.Mobile phones are more important than used to be.At the same time mant problems associated with the use of moblie phones so that people in growing numbers agree that the problems outweigh the benefits of mobile phone.In my opinion.I disagree with this this point of view for three reasons.
My first reason is that mobile phones bridge the information gap to each other.There is no doubt that mobile phones are far more convenient and efficient than the written letters or made telegarms.At this satge,nothing is more qualitative and quantitative than to use mobile phones.It costs methree days to wait a letter from the other city.But it costs me three seconds to receive a message from the other country.
My second reason is that we can put the mobile phones into pocket and bring it to everwhere.When we were in troubles the mobile phone is one of ten best waysto help ourselves.For instance when I in a strange place,my new type of mobile phone which with GPS will tell me the destination.It is one of my reliable friends.
My third reason is that mobile phones make our leisure colourfue and wonderful.Many people,if not most,use the camera of mobile phone to take photos.It also can plays music and videos.We shoule not carry camera MP3 and CD player any more when we travelling.
So pervasive are mobile phones that no one can avoid being influenced by them.We can not emphasize the importance of them too much.In conclusion.I think that mobile phones bring us more benefits than problems.
我9．20去考,高中在读水平,想大作能有个5．5－6
．自己琢磨了一段时间,现在基本能写成这样,能达到目标么?
不好意思!
写作没有5.5的
那能得6吗?

我觉得差不多可以 可是有几点不足需要注意:
1 段落分析很明确 但是每段开头需要适当的变换句式 总用一个句形是不利于提分的
2 文章中有些许拼写错误 不知道是你 打的时候打错了 还是拼写不知道,这个在考试的时候尤其要注意 ,不会写的词就不要写了 换一个,不然会扣分 划不来的
3 缺少一些大词 ,所谓大词,就是那种让人看了 能觉得耳目一新的词 这个东西可以考前突击的 学几个用上会比较好`～
另外有一些网站你可以总去看看像3g雅思网啊之类的 上面有很多不错的作文模板 你可以拿来研究一下 ,学学句式阿 词汇阿 等等的