写了一篇托福作文,When it comes to whether we should plan the activit

写了一篇托福作文,
When it comes to whether we should plan the activities in our spare time carefully,many people may have different opinions,some people like to take complete control of their leisure time,while others prefer to have a more free-wheeling experience.
The main benefit of planning free-time activities is that we could spend every minute of our time productively.By making the schedule of our leisure time meticulously,we could definitely have a more fulfilling holiday.For example,if I want to take a trip to some place on the upcoming weekend,I need to plan nearly every single hour of my weekend,such as when should I get up and what time should I leave my house; otherwise,I may just sleep until noon without going to anywhere and ruin my whole weekend.
On the other hand,there are also some significant benefits of going through our spare time without making any plan.In this case,we could do anything that comes into our mind during our leisure time,such as waking up naturally,hanging out with some friends or watching a random movie which is played in cinema.We could certainly feel more relaxed in this way,because we don’t need to worry about our schedule and we have no obligations to follow.
As far as I’m concerned,I prefer to plan carefully about my spare time,because I’m always so busy with my work that my free time is extremely limited and valuable to me.In addition to having a good rest,there are many other things that I should do in my spare time,such as learning the newest technology of my job,shopping for groceries or simply cleaning my house.Therefore,if I don’t have a good plan of my spare time,I may not be able to accomplish any of those things that I need to do,and this may even affect my career in the long run.

When it comes to whether we should 【carefully plan更地道,衔接更紧密】 the activities in our spare time ,【many——various语意搭配更好,与后面different 呼应】 people may have different opinions【.】【some people——Some 承前省略相同的people,避免重复】 【like to——would rather 前后呼应,对应prefer】take complete control 【of——over 】their leisure time,while others prefer to have a more free-wheeling experience.
The main benefit of planning free-time activities is that we could spend every minute of our time productively.By making 【the——a】 schedule of our leisure time meticulously,we could definitely have a more fulfilling holiday.For example,if I want to take a trip to some place on the upcoming 【weekend——weekends更好,表示“双休”】,I need to plan nearly every single hour of my weekend,such as when 【should I——I should 】get up and what time 【should I——I should】 leave my house; otherwise,I may just sleep until noon without going 【to去掉】【 anywhere 副词】 and ruin my whole weekend.
On the other hand,there are also some significant benefits of going through our spare time without making any plan.In this case,we could do anything that comes into our mind during our leisure time,such as waking up naturally,hanging out with some friends or watching a random movie which is played in cinema.We could certainly feel more relaxed 【in去掉最好】 this way,because we don’t need to worry about our schedule and we have no obligations to follow.
As far as I’m concerned,I 【prefer to plan——feel like planning 避免与上文prefer重复】 carefully about my spare time,because I’m always so busy with my work that my free time is extremely limited and valuable to me.In addition to having a good rest,there are many other things that I should do in my spare time,such as learning the newest technology of my job,shopping for groceries or simply cleaning my house.Therefore,if I don’t have a good plan of my spare time,I may not be able to accomplish any of those things that I 【need ——have避免重复】to do,and this may even affect my career in the long run.
整体写的很不错,!水平真是了得!
只是个别点上有小问题,不是错误,而是表达是否更好,搭配是否更合理等.