我的personal statement初步模板,请给下建议

我的personal statement初步模板,请给下建议
只是个模板···我也知道很多毛病,写的很烂`````给些意见吧 比如说总体结构.哪里可以再详细扩充.等等~我的外教导师改过一次!
As one of the most crucial parts of my life,computing has not only improved my living standard,but has also indicated some fundamental rules for being an good person.During my childhood,I was interested in electronic equipment because I want to know how they worked and produced magical effects.Later I became immersed in software and started learning how different input devices may produce different effects on a computer.It feels like talking to and playing with a friend when I work with a computer.My early enthusiasm has enabled me to study further,because I realise that I have just touched the surface of this enormous and amazing field.
I study ICT course at A-level study,this course shows me the outline of computing and how our life is related to it.For instance,most businesses in the world provide online shopping services and use videoconferencing,which have helped me to understand the importance of a reliable computer system.In addition,practical work like spreadsheets and databases give me a greater insight into a computer’s function and explain why they are vital to computer.Mathematics is quite interesting to me.Integration and complex numbers are challenging but matrixes show me the principle of how computer works and how numbers are developed into more complex data to input to the computer.
My keen interest has driven me to learn more about what I do not understand.When I was 14,I tried editing some simple programs,which could avoid virus spreading from flash disk.My work was shared in our school and can still prevent the loss of file in flash disks efficiently.
Teaching myself more than I have learned in school enables me to create more complicated spreadsheets and databases,which are used by my parents to manage their finances and stock data.I have built my own computer and have worked as a forum message board moderator for the last two years.My duties include explaining the basic knowledge of computers and solving some problems for them.It is true that I can learn more from these problems and cultivate my ability to deal with others.
Other than spending time on learning,I like playing football and watching football matches.Players’ spirit on the pitch is attractive and explains a lot about faith and steadfastness to me.They are an outstanding example to my mind,not only their wonderful play on the pitch,but also for the philosophy of life they show us.Furthermore,playing football has developed my great sense of responsibility and my ability to coordinate with others in a team,which will undoubtedly be helpful at University.
I am sure that studying computing will provide the challenges that I need in order to be happy.I am looking forward to use the computing knowledge gained at university to obtain a wide range of career opportunities.
说下我的情况吧~我6月份考完AS level.成绩估计8月中旬出来.大学貌似是10和11月份提交申请.我8月中旬开学.还有大概5个多月的时间来给导师修改.那些地方需要更详细说明的.

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这位同学,我大胆猜测一下,你想Apply Oxford的Mathmatics（Computer Science）?
Anyway,PS这个东西,类似一块敲门砖,你需要靠它来获得一个Interview的机会.因此PS必须要能充分体现你对这门学科的热爱和热情,同时体现你在这方面的天赋.
看得出来,你极力想要表达你对这门学科的热爱,但是,表达形式实在太多单一,且很多内容是非必须的；而另一些必须的内容,你没有提到.这会成为致命伤.
第二段的结构非常混乱,让人根本搞不清楚你想说的是什么.
欠缺的内容是你的Extra Reading,大量的课外延伸阅读书目,以及Work Experience,参加的相关实习工作以及得到的收获和体会.
如果有任何竞赛获奖经历,不妨加上去.
倒数第二段,提到了你的兴趣爱好.这样的篇幅是差不多的,但是这样的内容差得很多：难道你除了足球没有别的爱好?你没有参加过学校任何的活动?虽然这些不重要,但是列举多项至少能体现你的积极性和参与性.
开头很混乱而且平淡,没有能够吸引眼球的资本,建议好好思考一下,修改一下.不要像流水账一样纪录你对这门学科的热爱史,这很Boring,对于长期阅读大量PS的Tutor们来说,他们学要新鲜的东西刺激眼球.
没空了,这是目前能想到的,先写到这里.
对我的PS有兴趣的话,给我留言好了,我找机会发给你.
沙发那个建议你不要理,他根本不了解PS是个干吗用的东西,又不是签证材料,在那些莫名其妙的东西上浪费字数很不值得.才4000唉.
如果觉得我说话太直白,我道歉,不过我觉得一针见血得提意见才能有效果.
祝你成功.