英语翻译跪求一篇英语相声要带翻译的,短,短,短,短,不要低级庸俗的,最好是中国的相声演员的相声用英语翻译过来的,只要双人

英语翻译
跪求一篇英语相声要带翻译的,短,短,短,短,不要低级庸俗的,最好是中国的相声演员的相声用英语翻译过来的,只要双人说的有的别藏着啊啊啊啊啊

口吐莲花
　　甲：一二三,二二三.
　　乙：当当!
　　甲：不行太慢,快着点.
　　乙：行了,当当!
　　甲：我还没打怎么就响了?
　　乙：这可难办,快了又快了,慢了又慢了,怎么合适?
　　甲：锤到锣鸣.
　　乙：行了.
　　甲：一二三,二二三.
　　乙：当当!
　　甲：跟我师父学艺在茅山.（乙：当当）茅山有个毛老道,他把戏法儿对我传,传会了徒弟整八个,倒有七个成了仙.因为我贪财没得道,我师一怒把我轰下山,轰下山来没有别的干,变个戏法儿大家观,变个珍珠倒卷帘,珍珠倒卷帘啊——（乙连打当）
　　甲：好.
　　乙：您变哪.
　　甲：现在变不了.
　　乙：怎么?
　　甲：我这是试试锣.
　　乙：啊!试试,白打了.那我这锣行不行啊?
　　甲：行.
　　乙：那您继续变吧.
　　甲：我正式请神.
　　乙：怎么您还请神?有神吗?
　　甲：没告诉您这是锣套子溜口辙吗?请神可是请神,你可别说话.因为我请这神仙脾气都大.您一说话他就走了,他一步我就变不出来了.
　　乙：好,那我不说话.
　　甲：老不说话也不行.
　　乙：什么时候说话呢?
　　乙：先生,您倒是喷哪!
　　甲：我全咽了!
　　乙：嗐!
　　Lotus口吐
　　A:123,223.
　　B:Dangdang!
　　A:not too slow,the point quickly.
　　B:line,and Dangdang!
　　A:I did not how to fight on the ring?
　　B:This can be difficult,fast and faster,and slower and slower,how appropriate?
　　A:Hammer to gong ming.
　　B:it.
　　A:with my master in Maoshan Wells.(B:Dangdang) has a gross Maoshan Road,his son told me the trick Law Chuan,Chuan will be the apprentice the whole eight,it became seven cents.Money because I did not win the division I am angry I H-down,no other H-down to dry,change a child you tricks,and changed screens倒卷of pearl,pearl curtain倒卷ah - (b even when playing )
　　A:Yes.
　　B:What you become.
　　A:It can not be changed.
　　B:how?
　　A:I am gong to try.
　　B:ah!Try,the白打.Gong line that I can not ah?
　　A:line.
　　B:that you continue to change it.
　　A:I have officially requested the gods.
　　B:how you please God?God it?
　　A:This is not gong to tell you point溜口cap it?But please God,please God,you can not speak.I ask this because the gods are big temper.You say he left,he changed,I do not step out.
　　B:Well,I do not speak.
　　A:do not speak too old.
　　B:When a remark?
　　B:Sir,what you spray it!