我英语太弱了,写了一篇作文要交,想请英语达人们雅正一下.

我英语太弱了,写了一篇作文要交,想请英语达人们雅正一下.
A spring afternoon,he comes to the park regularly and comes across
her again,a girl standing under the cherry tree,slim and graceful.Her hair
comes down to her waist,straight and smooth.
He unwinds his left lame leg,moving to the wooden seating slowly.
The spring sunshine,the blue and clear sky,the quite lake and the
beautiful girl standing under the cherry tree.The world as if a beautiful
picture.But he is out of the picture.
Finally,he reaches the seating and sits on it stiffly.
A handsome man comes around her,as if a prince of fairy comes around
the beautiful princess.What does he want to do?Heart beats like a drum.Fortunately,
he finally walks away.
Looking at the left lame leg,he turns his head reluctantly.And thetears drop into the soil.
Holding the handrail tightly,he struggles to stand up.He turnsaround,back to the sunset,
Seeing the long shadow of him,moving up hard and slowly.
“Don’t inferiority!” she says.Although it is the first time he have
heard her voice during the past five months.But he confirms that the voice
comes from her.
“the cherry is going to opening.How about watching them with metomorrow?I am waiting for you here!”
In the soft light of the sunset,a couple of swans lean close toeach other as if they also waits for the cherry opening tomorrow.

嗯,那个.在英语里,讲述故事时,要用一般过去时,楼主好像得把全篇都改了
A spring afternoon,he comes to the park regularly and comes across
这句A spring afternoon前面要用介词
The spring sunshine,the blue and clear sky,the quite lake and the beautiful girl standing under the cherry tree.
仔细分析下,这句的主语是什么,有系动词吗
和后句一起改成under the cherry tree standed the beautiful girl with the spring sunshine,the blue and clear skyand the quite lake ,the prospect of which seemed as a beautiful picture
还有在写英文时,有些单词汉语里的意思在英文里是不通的,就像
But he is out of the picture
out of这个短语在这个语境里是不贴切的.改成he didint belong to the picture
the cherry is going to opening改为open