写了篇TOELF的大作文 有牛人来帮忙看看有什么好改进的地方不.我知道自己写的不太好~

写了篇TOELF的大作文 有牛人来帮忙看看有什么好改进的地方不.我知道自己写的不太好~
Topic ：Do you agree or disagree Universities should give the same amount of money to their student`sport activitiesas as they give to their unversity libraties?
Through the social developments rise a serious debate,which demonstrates whether the university should give the same amount of money to their students` sport activities rather then they give to their university libraries .In case to make a choice,the scale of my judgment will surely incline toward the negatives of this advice.Numerous reasons here upon listed will justify my point on this topic.
Someone consider that the most important reason for universities to give the same amount of money to their student’s sport activities is the students` health.At first glance,the argument seems to be more reasonable:however,a close scrutiny reveals how groundless it is.
First,let us take the functional component of a university.A university is not only mean to some buildings A renowned British philosopher Bertrand Russell,once mentioned in his masterpiece The History Of The Western Philosopher that "universities are not information provider,but soul comforter.”As the heart to the mankind,library is so important to a university.It will lighten the burden on every student to chase dream.History is like a big swing,dangling between the depth of wisdom and foolishness.Fortunately,it is the wisdom,not the skill of sport,especially the knowledge we searching in the library,that contributes to the prosperity of our present civilization.
Although the function is probably the most important determinate,it is not the only reason for my point.The shortage of the money is also a component should be considerate necessary.Because of the increase of population,at present society,students are also pressured with a tremendous amount of competition from others.To make the students hunt a good job when they graduated from university,there is obviously no other way than to give more amount of money to the library.
Last but not least,the more expensive sport activities never mean you can be healthier.According the survey conducted by Times,running is the best sport for health.However,running does not cost any money.
In conclusion,while some people may still remain unconvinced,the reason that I have analyzed in above argument should at least make them aware of the complexities of the issue.There is little doubt it will be the first step out of the dilemma.

第1句就错..语法错,用词错
这句rather than后面不要加they(加了读起来很怪)
还有,大学这个不是社会发展的问题,是教育的问题
in case是以防万一的意思
judgement不要用scale描述
第1段最后一句话需要修改
用active voice,不要用passive voice
"Someone consider that the most important reason for universities to give the same amount of money to their student’s sport activities is the students` health."
不应该是someone consider,一是语法错,someone是单数,动词怎么加都应该是considers,但这里我建议你用some people may consider
在你还没有说之前2个原因的时候,最好不要用most important..国外作文,最重要的点,放在最后.你需要几个arguement,not only one..
to give "out" the same amount of money 和什么相同的钱?
要在后面加as,the same amount of money as...
最好不用at first glance,而且在first,second,third之前要加the,用first of all(不需要the),或者firstly
第2段需要改
文章写法我先说下,第1段,开头,立你的中心句,focus sentence,而你把你的重点放进了第2段,focus sentence里不能加may,might,could,这样不确定的词,你要让看的人觉得你这句话很坚定,你要自己先坚定,才有可能说服别人
接下来几段就是你的arguements
你的几段transition words不错(transition words是比如however,therefore,and,but...etc.for "however" and "therefore",you need a semicolon before these two word,希望你已经知道了)
你的文章,每段字数不要相差太大,你比较下你最短的那段和最长的那段相差多少.
所以当中几段你自己再去改,蛮有问题的,特别说倒数第2段,你才开了个头,你需要examples or your personal experiences..国外写文章,这种persuasive essay,you have to have your arguements,and they should be clearly stated
for conclusion,you either restate your statements in other words,or develop something more,something like,in the future...etc.
还有,多用active voice,少用passive voice
active voice是 i made the cake
passive voice is:the cake was made by me
文章一般5段,1 intro,2-4 arguements which are the body paragraphs,5 conclusion