求英语语法 帝 帮忙check 下 Thanks for your giving!

求英语语法 帝 帮忙check 下 Thanks for your giving!
From my point of view,some people hold the opinion that people should follow the dream.However other people hold the negative attitude.As far as I am concerned ,I agree with some people should focus to achieve the realistic goal.
Some people think that idealism object is best way to achieve them self-actualize and also can cultivate them spirit of preserve to do everything.For example,we know that some typical case from famous people,such as a Steve jobs .Every body knows Iphone is from his company.Actually,his successful is not easily.Because Steve who was born a poor family,and he also was an orphan when he was child.However he never gave up his dream that becoming a great CEO.Finally,the Steve jobs achieved his dream that creating the greatest company-APPLE around the world.
Second and foremost,I think if I can achieve my object through realistic to finish it.It can help me to cultivate my self-confidence.Because these realistic success can let me know that achieving these dreams are not difficult.It can enhance your self-confidence to do everything.For instance,I was afraid of swim when I was a kid.Until,my father told me that swimming a little step every time for me.Gradually,I had learned swam and taste the benefits of victory to me.In the end,I was interested in this sports.
To sum up,maybe there are a few people can achieve ideal dream to them.However,most people who finishing them realistic dream.Thus,I hold the opinion that some people should focus to achieve the realistic goal.

一、I agree with some people should focus to achieve the realistic goal.with的后面不该跟个句子吧
二、is best way to ,少了个the
三、cultivate them,应该是their
四、 such as a Steve jobs ,多了a
五、his successful is not easily,成功应该用名词,而且后面不该接副词.
六、Because Steve who was born a poor family, and he also was an orphan when he was child. 改为Steve was born in a poor family, and he was also an orphan when he was a child.
七、 However he never gave up his dream that becoming a great CEO.that改为of,因为that后面要跟句子.
后面的暂且不看了,太长了.给分啊.写得挺好的,就是语法还不太过关