托福作文批改 city or countryside is better place to take care of o

托福作文批改 city or countryside is better place to take care of our family 按托福评分标准来
As individuals,we are supposed to take care of our family,which is the perpetual truth from past until now,even in the future.But in terms of the best place to take care of them,there is a hot controversy.Increasing individuals hold the view that the better environment in rural areas provides advantageous foundation to care for family.Nevertheless,from my own perspective,the urban areas are better options to look after my family.
Admittedly,rural areas have better environment,which makes people who live there suffer less working pressure.After that,more time can be devoted to take care of their family.In addition,contrary to that children who grow up in the metropolis constantly endure a sense of loneliness; children living in the countryside instead grow healthier due to the narrow gap between residents.This harmonious relationship impels them to undergo a happy childhood.It,therefore,seems that our family can be taken good care of in rural areas.Nevertheless,less well-known is the essential impact that medical condition and educational system exert on our parents as well as children.
Among the most convincing reasons,the medical condition cannot fail to be mentioned here.According to a research conducted be Harvard University in 2011,about two thirds of middle-age men or women have some issues with their bodies,such as high blood pressure and heart diseases.Hence,a systematic medicine condition is in need to take care of family.Taking my parents as an example,when they get sick,it only takes me less than twenty minutes to send them to the hospital while one needs to spend hours to send sick people there if they live in the rural areas.Additionally,in terms of equipment,numerous new things,such as CT,have been cited into the urban hospital.Modern medical condition in the urban areas lay a solid foundation for us to take good care of our family.
And equally important,the educational system in urban areas is able to generate dramatic impact on children.Since the children’s education is always put in the first place in a family,we do need to find an advantageous educational condition for them,and schools in cities just have the ability to furnish the perfect education for children.Compared with schools in countryside,not only the teacher resources but also the condition of teaching equipment enormously improves in the city,making students gain knowledge in a more efficient way.All these essential factors of children education are supposed to impels us to live in metropolis if we want to look after them well.
From what has been discussed above,we may safely arrive at the conclusion that urban area can be a better place for us to take account for our family owing to its .

不知道托福标准 总体文章主题 结构还是蛮清晰的 词汇使用也蛮丰富
主要问题是 1 用词有点不够准确 （用词偏大） 和小的语法错误
2 supporting details and arguements are not logically connected enough
3 总结段有点空 其实全文都稍稍有点这样的感觉 是中西方思维差异的关系
举个例子And equally important,the educational system in urban areas is able to generate dramatic impact on children.
同样重要的是 城市的教育系统可以对孩子产生极大的影响
中文很通顺,英文等于没说 乡村的教育系统也能对孩子产生极大的影响 positive or negative?
如果改成 the advanced educational system in urban areas is able to generate dramatically positive impact on children.
在英文中就把话说明白了.hope it will help
work pressure
devoted to taking care of
contrary to the fact that
metropolises
narrow gap between residents in economical and social status
impels leads them to a happe life
less well-known noticed
middle-aged
a medicare system is in need
have been introduced into the urban hospitals for long
equipments has improved to a higher extent
to take account for our family owing to its .这句没明白